Three Kiwis - Phone + Action

[notmiddleearth]

Phonecall: [A bit after midday, New Zealand makes a call. And doesn't think to filter it because she can be remarkably blunt lile that... Or she just didn't think of it. One of the two.]

 So it's come to my attention, mum probably failed in raising most of us, so I'm willing to bet that he never gave any of you a proper talk that didn't involve fairies in some way. Which is okay, I suppose but really you're all grown men, it's actually pretty weird...

So, Oz, Canada, America and even you mum, you should listen. Wy you don't have to, I can give you the talk later. Have to anyway, seeing as whatever Oz said still makes Nauru cry...

Anyway, so first things... Kissing. Now, a kiss is not a contract, so just because you're, yanno, exploring someones mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition to the south. Got it? Cuz it's just rude. 

Now, when a man loves a woman, or a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, whatever, they kiss a lot, and then they decide they want to do more. They wanna... Boom boom boom till the break of dawn if you get my drift. And sometimes, this makes a baby, between the girl and boy at least, girl and girl needs science and boy and boy just ain't happening. You guys understand?

There's no fairies involved or storks or cabbage patches or falling out of tvs or cricket. Those are all just stupid euphemisms people use when they're embarrassed. It's just sex, and it's normal and healthy in moderation. 

Any questions?

Action: [Or you can find her out the front of 727 Anderson Lane, going back and forth with buckets of snow, creating a large  hill. After a bit, she stops, studying it with a frown. It's no where near big enough to snowboard down, like her original intention was. 

So the neighbors won't mind her taking their snow too right?]

Comments

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

It's treason because she's my wife!

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

You're married to Sophie Balmain?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Oh.

No.




Good on him.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

He said you were going to kill her.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Just have a little talk.

Perhaps a long talk, if necessary.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Mum.






You're not allowed to kill Sophie Balmain. Whoever she is.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I'm a gentleman. That's beneath me.

So it'll just be a pleasant talk between the two of us. Nothing bad, nothing to bring up any concern.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Fine.

Then you won't mind me coming with you.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

That would be absurd.

Such trivial matters don't require your presence.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I think they do.

She might feel more comfortable with a lady around.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Well, we're certainly going to bring up Australia, and like you said, you don't want to hear about your brother's sex life.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I can bring along an i-Pod for that bit.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

What if you hear that she's just using your brother for her own personal wants, regardless of his feelings?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Oz is over her, he was single last time I saw him. So he'll manage.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

She won't get away with it.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Get away with what?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Using Australia like that.

With no regards to his feelings.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... Yeah, I'm sure he's heartbroken.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

What if he had really liked her? It would be too much of a tragedy to let her get away without any sort of justice.

But you can just go to the loo at that part.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... Mum, I dunno if you know this, but... Australia... he doesn't mate for life, if you get my drift.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Well, I do.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well you're not Oz and he's not you. Understand?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... Yeah.

But you should still go to the loo sometime during the conversation. Just in case.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

.... You're being ridiculous mum.

What's next, you're going to try and get the names of the guys I've slept with and hunt them down?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

You can go ahead and list them.