Three Kiwis - Phone + Action

[notmiddleearth]

Phonecall: [A bit after midday, New Zealand makes a call. And doesn't think to filter it because she can be remarkably blunt lile that... Or she just didn't think of it. One of the two.]

 So it's come to my attention, mum probably failed in raising most of us, so I'm willing to bet that he never gave any of you a proper talk that didn't involve fairies in some way. Which is okay, I suppose but really you're all grown men, it's actually pretty weird...

So, Oz, Canada, America and even you mum, you should listen. Wy you don't have to, I can give you the talk later. Have to anyway, seeing as whatever Oz said still makes Nauru cry...

Anyway, so first things... Kissing. Now, a kiss is not a contract, so just because you're, yanno, exploring someones mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition to the south. Got it? Cuz it's just rude. 

Now, when a man loves a woman, or a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, whatever, they kiss a lot, and then they decide they want to do more. They wanna... Boom boom boom till the break of dawn if you get my drift. And sometimes, this makes a baby, between the girl and boy at least, girl and girl needs science and boy and boy just ain't happening. You guys understand?

There's no fairies involved or storks or cabbage patches or falling out of tvs or cricket. Those are all just stupid euphemisms people use when they're embarrassed. It's just sex, and it's normal and healthy in moderation. 

Any questions?

Action: [Or you can find her out the front of 727 Anderson Lane, going back and forth with buckets of snow, creating a large  hill. After a bit, she stops, studying it with a frown. It's no where near big enough to snowboard down, like her original intention was. 

So the neighbors won't mind her taking their snow too right?]

Comments

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'll do it.

You and Oz are both banned from any talks to do with sex or eyebrows.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I've been trimming my own eyebrows for decades now, mind you.

And I taught Australia very well about sex.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

That's all good and well, but Wy's not a guy, she needs a different style.

And no you didn't, he learnt himself from what he told me. And then he went on the scar Nauru for life...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I trim my eyebrows quite fashionably.

... What did he tell you?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

For a guy, I suppose.

... You do realise I don't really talk to my brother about who he's fucked, yanno?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I wasn't aware of a feminine way of plucking.

He must have obviously said something that inspired your little speech that was completely false because fairies do exist and they do bring babies.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

More shaping is done.

He said you asked if someone touched his wicket. And then I though you wanted to play cricket with him, and it ended up being you just confused sex and cricket. Mum. Denial isn't a good thing.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Did he say if anyone touched his wicket.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Something about a Sophie? Why?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Treason.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... No, sex, Mum, sex.

And you really shouldn't be killing people for it, Oz is a big boy.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

It's treason because she's my wife!

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

You're married to Sophie Balmain?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Oh.

No.




Good on him.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

He said you were going to kill her.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Just have a little talk.

Perhaps a long talk, if necessary.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Mum.






You're not allowed to kill Sophie Balmain. Whoever she is.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I'm a gentleman. That's beneath me.

So it'll just be a pleasant talk between the two of us. Nothing bad, nothing to bring up any concern.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Fine.

Then you won't mind me coming with you.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

That would be absurd.

Such trivial matters don't require your presence.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I think they do.

She might feel more comfortable with a lady around.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Well, we're certainly going to bring up Australia, and like you said, you don't want to hear about your brother's sex life.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I can bring along an i-Pod for that bit.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

What if you hear that she's just using your brother for her own personal wants, regardless of his feelings?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'm sure Oz is over her, he was single last time I saw him. So he'll manage.