Three Kiwis - Phone + Action

[notmiddleearth]

Phonecall: [A bit after midday, New Zealand makes a call. And doesn't think to filter it because she can be remarkably blunt lile that... Or she just didn't think of it. One of the two.]

 So it's come to my attention, mum probably failed in raising most of us, so I'm willing to bet that he never gave any of you a proper talk that didn't involve fairies in some way. Which is okay, I suppose but really you're all grown men, it's actually pretty weird...

So, Oz, Canada, America and even you mum, you should listen. Wy you don't have to, I can give you the talk later. Have to anyway, seeing as whatever Oz said still makes Nauru cry...

Anyway, so first things... Kissing. Now, a kiss is not a contract, so just because you're, yanno, exploring someones mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition to the south. Got it? Cuz it's just rude. 

Now, when a man loves a woman, or a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, whatever, they kiss a lot, and then they decide they want to do more. They wanna... Boom boom boom till the break of dawn if you get my drift. And sometimes, this makes a baby, between the girl and boy at least, girl and girl needs science and boy and boy just ain't happening. You guys understand?

There's no fairies involved or storks or cabbage patches or falling out of tvs or cricket. Those are all just stupid euphemisms people use when they're embarrassed. It's just sex, and it's normal and healthy in moderation. 

Any questions?

Action: [Or you can find her out the front of 727 Anderson Lane, going back and forth with buckets of snow, creating a large  hill. After a bit, she stops, studying it with a frown. It's no where near big enough to snowboard down, like her original intention was. 

So the neighbors won't mind her taking their snow too right?]

Comments

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'm a big kid now Mum, even fighting your battles sometimes.

... I have a pink tie? Is that good enough?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I'll sew you a nice dress.

Perhaps I'll even find you some petticoats. And frills, yes, those would be nice. You'll be the loveliest, I assure you.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I guess I could make some curtains out of it...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

And I'll put your hair in bunches. Those are cute, wouldn't you say? They'd have to be small pigtails, but I think it's worth it. Pink ribbons.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... You should do it to Oz, he'd like it much more. He's really girly, deep down.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... He probably would have made a cute girl. It's a shame, really.

Would have looked nice in a pink short skirt.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Mum, you're doing that thing were you're being really fucking creepy.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Imagining Australia as a cute girl that goes "Engwand~" isn't creepy.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... No, not at all. It's just really really really creepy.

Please tell me you don't imagine shit like that involving me.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Only at nights before bed.

And not for very long.



Unless I can't sleep.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... Please stop it then.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Why? Isn't it comforting?

I also send my fairies to watch you fall asleep, just to make sure you're all right. Not for your sake, mind, but just... you know. That sort.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'm tacking up bug nets when we get home.

And it's not comforting at all, it's creepy. Why can't you think about America, or Australia, instead?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I think about you all.

It's comforting. Soothing, helps to get some sleep.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

[That... that's actually rather sweet...]

You miss us a lot, huh?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Not at all. Where did you get that silly idea?

With an empty house, I have more peace to knit and sew.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but who will wear the godugly things you knit and sew? Cut the crap Mum, you miss us.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Not a single bit. You're all grown up now, and I'm thankful for that. It was always reading the books and tucking to bed and mending the clothes and always with the crying and asking not to leave.

Besides, I know everybody enjoys a nice sweater at Christmas.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I bet you read those books to yourself now, and all our stuff is up in the attic isn't it?

You do remember Christmas is in summer for me, right?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... They're good books.

I suppose I should knit quicker, then. But it's not really a present for you, it just happens to have your initials on it.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

They were pretty good. You should read em to us again one day.

You know the next one you make for Oz should have a big S.S. on it okay? He'll love it.]

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... Well. Maybe to you. America doesn't like it, Canada's probably busy, and I suspect Australia has a poisonous snake around somewhere.

Perhaps I'll even make him a sweater vest. They're in fashion again.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Sure if you want. I could bake something and you could bring the tea if you wanted.

I think a sweater vest would really suit him. A lime green one, yeah? The S.S. can be in fluro orange.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... I'd like that. I really would.

It sounds like you're the one who wants to give him the present. I could teach you how to knit a bit, if you'd like.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I know.

And Oz wishes I would give him a cool present. And nah thanks, knitting means I'd have to sit still. That's boring.