Three Kiwis - Phone + Action

[notmiddleearth]

Phonecall: [A bit after midday, New Zealand makes a call. And doesn't think to filter it because she can be remarkably blunt lile that... Or she just didn't think of it. One of the two.]

 So it's come to my attention, mum probably failed in raising most of us, so I'm willing to bet that he never gave any of you a proper talk that didn't involve fairies in some way. Which is okay, I suppose but really you're all grown men, it's actually pretty weird...

So, Oz, Canada, America and even you mum, you should listen. Wy you don't have to, I can give you the talk later. Have to anyway, seeing as whatever Oz said still makes Nauru cry...

Anyway, so first things... Kissing. Now, a kiss is not a contract, so just because you're, yanno, exploring someones mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition to the south. Got it? Cuz it's just rude. 

Now, when a man loves a woman, or a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, whatever, they kiss a lot, and then they decide they want to do more. They wanna... Boom boom boom till the break of dawn if you get my drift. And sometimes, this makes a baby, between the girl and boy at least, girl and girl needs science and boy and boy just ain't happening. You guys understand?

There's no fairies involved or storks or cabbage patches or falling out of tvs or cricket. Those are all just stupid euphemisms people use when they're embarrassed. It's just sex, and it's normal and healthy in moderation. 

Any questions?

Action: [Or you can find her out the front of 727 Anderson Lane, going back and forth with buckets of snow, creating a large  hill. After a bit, she stops, studying it with a frown. It's no where near big enough to snowboard down, like her original intention was. 

So the neighbors won't mind her taking their snow too right?]

Comments

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

This one.

I am a gentleman. I'm just not always kind, that's all. I believe in honesty.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Well I guess that explains where I got it from...

Thank god I didn't get the hallucinations too. Just honesty, eyebrows... eyecolour... hair... height... and build.

Could have been worse.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

You should be grateful for your looks. I've always thought you looked rather cute.

Anybody who can't appreciate good eyebrows are fucking bastards and they should be quickly ignored and left in the stupid dumps.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

You're just lucky I'm not fashion concious, because I doubt I could pluck these brows. I feel sorry for Wy...

... Mum, have people been bullying you for your eyebrows again?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

They're handsome eyebrows.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes they are. [If this was in person he'd be getting condesending head pats.

Instead he just gets a condesending tone...]

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

If the spirit of John Bull just so happens to be very robust, then so be it! They're handsome and give any gentleman a good look!

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Then why do the rest of us have them, especially me and Wy? And Oz I suppose... we're not gentlemen are we?

...Same goes for Hong Kong, he's not gentle at all.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Because you're my family.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Couldn't we have not gotten the eyebrows though?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with them?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Well if I was girlier it would look weird as hell.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Wy is a beautiful young lady. The eyebrows are nice on her.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I suppose. Lets just hope they don't grow with her and devour her face...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

She's around the age.

I suppose it's best to teach her how to trim her eyebrows.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'll do it.

You and Oz are both banned from any talks to do with sex or eyebrows.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I've been trimming my own eyebrows for decades now, mind you.

And I taught Australia very well about sex.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

That's all good and well, but Wy's not a guy, she needs a different style.

And no you didn't, he learnt himself from what he told me. And then he went on the scar Nauru for life...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I trim my eyebrows quite fashionably.

... What did he tell you?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

For a guy, I suppose.

... You do realise I don't really talk to my brother about who he's fucked, yanno?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I wasn't aware of a feminine way of plucking.

He must have obviously said something that inspired your little speech that was completely false because fairies do exist and they do bring babies.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

More shaping is done.

He said you asked if someone touched his wicket. And then I though you wanted to play cricket with him, and it ended up being you just confused sex and cricket. Mum. Denial isn't a good thing.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Did he say if anyone touched his wicket.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Something about a Sophie? Why?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Treason.