Three Kiwis - Phone + Action

[notmiddleearth]

Phonecall: [A bit after midday, New Zealand makes a call. And doesn't think to filter it because she can be remarkably blunt lile that... Or she just didn't think of it. One of the two.]

 So it's come to my attention, mum probably failed in raising most of us, so I'm willing to bet that he never gave any of you a proper talk that didn't involve fairies in some way. Which is okay, I suppose but really you're all grown men, it's actually pretty weird...

So, Oz, Canada, America and even you mum, you should listen. Wy you don't have to, I can give you the talk later. Have to anyway, seeing as whatever Oz said still makes Nauru cry...

Anyway, so first things... Kissing. Now, a kiss is not a contract, so just because you're, yanno, exploring someones mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition to the south. Got it? Cuz it's just rude. 

Now, when a man loves a woman, or a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman, whatever, they kiss a lot, and then they decide they want to do more. They wanna... Boom boom boom till the break of dawn if you get my drift. And sometimes, this makes a baby, between the girl and boy at least, girl and girl needs science and boy and boy just ain't happening. You guys understand?

There's no fairies involved or storks or cabbage patches or falling out of tvs or cricket. Those are all just stupid euphemisms people use when they're embarrassed. It's just sex, and it's normal and healthy in moderation. 

Any questions?

Action: [Or you can find her out the front of 727 Anderson Lane, going back and forth with buckets of snow, creating a large  hill. After a bit, she stops, studying it with a frown. It's no where near big enough to snowboard down, like her original intention was. 

So the neighbors won't mind her taking their snow too right?]

Comments

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Oh God. But he's your... your brother... thing... a little bit...



Is he pregnant too?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

[...Oh mum, so sad...



But you just gave her more ammunition] Y-Yes, yes, he is... it's twins.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I suspected, since he seemed to be rounder than usual, but he doesn't like it when I talk about his weight, and... and twins.

Does he know?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

He won't talk about it, he's in shock... so yes, he does know.

[Fakes a sniffle] What are we going to do Mummy?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I was rather indelicate towards him, then...

It's all right. I'll take care of both of you. It might be hard, but I'll be here for you. Promise me that you won't worry.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

You didn't call him fat did you? He's very sensative at the moment, what with the hormones and all.

Maybe... maybe it'd be best to... get rid of it. What can we really do, we're just kids, and what if a war begins and our people have to fight...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it'd be better to discuss that with America.

But I'll protect you. And if I see anybody peeking out of the cabbage patches, I'll bring them to you immediately.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

.... [Okay this is just too sad, she has to take pity on him]

Mum... a few things. 1. Babies don't come from cabbage patches, they come from a woman's womb, which leads into 2., Men can't have babies, they don't have a womb.

... And I'm not pregnant. You should know, America can't even remember my gender half the time.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

You don't have to lie to me.

I'm not angry, I'm just... I always suspected.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Also, can we even have kids? And I'm not lying by the way, I would have kept lying but it was getting kinda of sad...

...Always suspected what?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... That I wouldn't be there for one of you when something like that happened.

Is it really a joke?

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

...what did you want to be around for, just so I know.

And yeah, it is. Sorry mum. You're just too easy to trick.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I... I didn't fall for it. Bloody hell, I was just pretending to teach you a lesson. I don't want to be a nan yet.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Ya sure? You sounded pretty excited...

It's good that you were supportive though... would you have really bashed America's head in?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... Probably not. But if anyone even looks at you the wrong way, you ought to tell me.

Who taught you to play such pranks? Someone was a bloody bad influence on your life for that.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I think Oz has the over-protectiveness thing covered Mum.

Dunno. Always been like this... remember when I cut up those ugly dresses you bought me? That was fun. Maybe it started there?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

It's not over-protectiveness. It's just sensible.

... You should wear dresses now. They'd look nice on you. Perhaps pink with some ribbons.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I'm a big kid now Mum, even fighting your battles sometimes.

... I have a pink tie? Is that good enough?

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

I'll sew you a nice dress.

Perhaps I'll even find you some petticoats. And frills, yes, those would be nice. You'll be the loveliest, I assure you.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

I guess I could make some curtains out of it...

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

And I'll put your hair in bunches. Those are cute, wouldn't you say? They'd have to be small pigtails, but I think it's worth it. Pink ribbons.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

... You should do it to Oz, he'd like it much more. He's really girly, deep down.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

... He probably would have made a cute girl. It's a shame, really.

Would have looked nice in a pink short skirt.

[notmiddleearth.livejournal.com]

Mum, you're doing that thing were you're being really fucking creepy.

[is-an-island.livejournal.com]

Imagining Australia as a cute girl that goes "Engwand~" isn't creepy.